May 30th, 2006 by Ezra Montemayor
They think I don’t have you. But oh, they are wrong. They couldn’t be more wrong. I used to think so myself but you knocked me back to my senses. In the clarity of my mind, you exposed yourself. Bared everything I’ve been meaning to see and feel. I couldn’t comprehend how it happened that you have always been with me. I was confused, maybe I still am and I tried to substantiate your existence by trying to come up with a concrete rationalization of how you moved me, but I can’t. So I dare not define you. ‘coz you have caught me offguard. you come in many forms. Blend so inconspicuously. I almost didn’t recognize you. Before you came, I thought I knew what your existence meant. I was being confident. I don’t know a thing. I can’t classify you, put you in one box. You are so much bigger than that. So much more complicated despite the notion of your simplicity. I’d like to think I chose you, but the coincidence of my world conspiring to meet yours is much more than my doing. You are beyond my control. I have tried so many times to define how you’ve enchanted me, but I end up with all the wrong explanations. Wrong conclusions. I challenge not your existence for fear of losing you. I want to believe how real you are, how real you make me feel. I wasn’t aware that you can do all these things to me. Make me fly and drown at the same time. I ran out of breath just thinking about you. How your presence and absence put me on the edge. Constantly taunting me. Making me cry for a million different wonderful reasons. I still think I can go on without you. I can. But I choose not to. You turn my world in circles and I’d rather have that, than not be moved at all. Sometimes I don’t understand. Actually, most of the time. I’ve given up on trying to have an absolute explanation of what you are. I can’t define you. How can I not define you? Have I become so stupid that all reasons have escaped me? or maybe, just maybe… I need no reason to have you. Wouldn’t that be a happy thought. all I know is that what you are, is more than my earthly mind could justify. It’s how you make me feel. I can’t explain it. You make me cry and laugh at the same time. If I didn’t know it was your doing, I’d say I was crazy. There is no second that you have left my mind. I can’t escape you no matter how I try. I remember how you made my insides flutter everytime you glimpsed my way and gave me that knowing smile. I still feel that way. Everytime. Oh how you make me feel. It’s everything at the same time. It’s the little things that make me smile, though. How you always manage to make me feel special no matter how useless I can sometimes feel. And you don’t even have to say anything to make me feel that way. It’s the way you whisper in my ear just before I fall deep into slumber. How you watch me sleep and keep me safe until I open my eyes to see you once more. How you dismiss all my imperfections and focus on me. It doesn’t matter how ugly I can be, you always make me feel beautiful. And when I worry about anything or anyone.., I just think about you and realize that what really matters to me is what you think. Nothing else. Just as long as you’re in me, I am safe. Many times I have felt so alone. Sometimes, scared out of my wits. All those times, I’ve held on to you. You kept me company. Kept me safe. I thought you would let go one time and I never felt more in pain. I wanted to let go myself but I couldn’t. it would hurt more to see you go. You are that one thing that makes me breathe. Move. I didn’t think anything or anyone can do that. Especially to me, considering everything I’ve gone through. Still, now I am stronger. I’ve prepared myself in case the world conspires to take you away from me. Fear makes you do that. But you are stronger than fear. So for now, I will linger in your arms. I will let you cradle me until the thought of the possibility that you can fade disappears. Then I will be a child again. Where I will believe that I can have everything if I just pray hard enough.
And I will hold you in my arms and never let go.